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Just when you think you have settled safely into your rut, along comes another opportunity and you have to review your complacency all over again. There I was having satisfied myself that one of my few ambitions was clearly never going to come to fruition, when an e-mail from the blue changed all that! A week later and a telephone interview behind me, I am back to completing application forms and wondering where in heaven's name my qualification certificates have gone. Ho hum. Life is never dull. Yet again I remember my resolve to take up new opportunities as they arise. All I have to do is tackle the slight problem of fund-raising...
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I spent yesterday with two of my dearest friends. It is strange after 35 years to bring together people who are precious to me who have never connected. They are such different characters, and I love that about them both. We walked miles around London, as our feet ached and our stomachs rumbled, (and were then filled). A lovely lunch at Zizzi's, cake at Covent Garden, walking over the Millenium Bridge, dipping into Tate Modern, passing the Old Bailey, Smithfields, China Town... Big Ben as the sun set. I am truly lucky to be able to have these opportunities.
This morning, bacon butties and sunshine to start the day. And a splinter in the peace. But I open the curtain and let the rainbows from the light-catcher dance on the wall, and think, "life's too short to sweat the small stuff".
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A dear friend asked me tonight to comment on my "take" of a situation. I could offend, amuse, be mischievous or tease horrendously. More worryingly, I could be right! I love him well enough to play with the answer but not really say anything!
I remember a couple of years back when a close friend has asked me a similar situation. Thankfully I bit my tongue, and asked them to tell me how they felt their situation was. I would probably have ended our friendship there and then if I had said what I thought! It was a long long way from her perception. It reminded me of the importance to listening to somebody's answer when they ask a question that they really want to answer themselves!
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I knew when my Dad died. He had been taken into hospital for the nth time, and I knew I should go to see him, but delayed due to a work crisis, thinking that I would have time later. But as I drove along a dual-carriageway, I felt the force of his soul passing. I pulled into the next layby and cried my eyes out in the certainty that he had died. Eventually I pulled myself together, drove to a friend's house where I was supposed to be attending a barbecue, and moments later the telephone call from my brother came.
I last saw my father's body in the Chapel of Rest. To my surprise, I did not shed a tear - for his soul had so clearly left him. Afterwards, I drove to our favourite place on the top of Salisbury Plain, where we used to walk together when I was a child, and watched the sunset, photographing its decline. And so, it seemed, the sun had gone down on my father.
In those days, I had a racy little soft-top Mazda MX5. As I drove home, I had the top down. Suddenly an angelic flash of white became a Barn Owl flew alongside me. I slowed right down, and watched its considered flight as it dipped and dived along the hedgerow and I drove slowly beside it. It felt like my father was somehow sending me a sign that he was still watching, still soaring above and beside me. And since then, almost every time that I drive that route, I now see an owl.
Last night, after a difficult day and a torrid week, I travelled the road again. I uttered my pathetic call, now from the inside of a comfortable but cluttered Galaxy, "Please Dad, send me an owl. I love you and miss you. Please just show me you're with me". When you are single and alone, isolation can be a very big place! I was drained and weary. Then a flash of white and gold caught my eye as I drove past a fence-post. A sentinel of the night was out, his face looking straight towards me, as he watched, silently. "Thanks Dad", I said, with a smile.
Maybe half a mile further on, there was suddenly another flash of white, again a barn owl sitting on a post watching. I felt like it was being made clear that whilst one owl may be chance, two was most unusual. I was accompanied, and felt watched over and safe. Then I saw the third. I laughed at myself, counting owls and attributing them to shows of love from a long gone parent. But I felt uplifted too. The fourth one swept across the road in front of me a few miles later, swooping out of the night and back into it so close to the car that I feared that I would hit it. The fifth was a shock. Once, many many years ago, I saw five in one night. I had been amazed and elated. It's not like there are an awful lot of barn owls about!
I am embarrassed to say that I threw in a challenge. "Go on then Dad, make it six! Surely I won't see six!" And just as I approached one of the small villages on my route, a sixth owl gave me a fly-past.
Of course, in the company of lawyers and police officers, I would keep this to myself. It doesn't matter whether my dear Dad sends me owls or not. What matters is that his love lives on in me. Something as simple as a bird can remind me of it and re-empower me with its strength. We connect in a transpersonal way, with all that is around us, with-out and within us through love. Sometimes that love hurts. But I feel less alone than I did yesterday.
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You make the mistake sometimes of thinking that we will always have time. But sadly, we won't... If it is important say it, or do it, now. You may not get another opportunity.
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| The feeling of euphoria - the cause of its inducement unknown, but the effect - fantastic! That's worth recapturing!
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It's strange how for years you can be set in a mindset with respect to a place, a situation or even a relationship. Then sometimes something really liberating happens - that realisation that this is in your own control. You can choose how you respond, what you focus on and how you develop. The complication of course is that by letting go of the mindset, you may have to let go of the pattern of behaviour that accompanied it... But it does feel good to finally take control.
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“Memory is the diary that chronicles things that never happened or couldn't possibly have happened.”
― Oscar Wilde
I had the interesting experience yesterday of finding that I had angered and offended somebody by something I said to them - only I did not actually say it, (which I can prove, so it is not that I had forgotten). It was disconcerting and I did not challenge their recollection then as I wished to go back and check what it was that I had said, (which was quite different). Ironically, I had thought it - so perhaps the brain waves had transmitted through the ether... But it made me reflect upon how our perceptions and responses to them can be so strongly felt and yet so inaccurate. A whole relationship can turn - and indeed fall, on what never happened. It also led me to think about the role of anger in a friendship. I have seen so many people being angry lately, that I have to conclude that it is a critical element of the human character. The trick, I suppose, is to find a way to use it positively. Now there is a challenge...
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| Have you ever been in that situation where you have things that you really do need to do, but you still put them off? Looking around me now, I am surrounded by evidence of what I need to do. Then a small creature behind me purrs with a message - take time to be happy.
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| It has been brought home to me very forcibly that sometimes we perceive the same situation from very different angles. I hope to learn from my understanding of the perception of another. I very much hope that they will learn from my perception too. If one of us closes our mind to the possibilities, there is no way forwards in communion. If we share our vulnerabilities and fears, we can acknowledge our personal realities. There is hope in the exchange!
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| This evening I am meeting a friend whom I have known for thirty years. When you have known somebody for so long, they become entrenched in the fabric of you in some way. When you only see somebody very rarely, often you slip easily back into where you left off in such situations. Sometimes, though, you realise that what you had in common has shifted. Perhaps one of you has moved on further than the other. I reflected that for all that I have known this friend a long time, and know aspects of them very well, there is a lot that we assume about each other, and a lot that I do not know. Our friends are assets that reap rewards more than most other things in our lives. By making an investment we gain interest and the benefit of great returns. My friends are my family. I have learnt to love them for who they are, not who I want them to be.
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If we used all the energy that we use being negative, and applied it to being positive, how much more would we achieve?
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I love having good friends. Today, I attended a Magistrates' Training event, then met with a very good friend for lunch. She is somebody who is positive and affirming - a true friend. I reflected that having known her for 20 years, I have only ever known her to be somebody who encourages me. I really love that about her. Later I spent time with another friend who has not been well. She has also been sombody critical to my well-being when times were difficult. These are good people to spend time with!
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Today has been a day for reflection. How much time do I spend with people who inspire and encourage me, and how much with people who drain and diminish me?
On the whole through our choices of occupation, location and social life, we can at least influence some of the company we keep. My resolution today has been to steer clear of people who sabotage my efforts and energy if I can do. That feels like a positive decision!
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I have been invigorated by the new challenges, the excitement of a new business, the stimulating training and the ideas of how to develop it. A friend has already committed to joining the team and has started her business.
I have been using the Aloe Vera products. Already feeling better for taking appropriate vitamin and minerals. The croci are emerging exultantly on the lawn - proving that time spent last year investing in generating new life was time well spent. The flood of mauve interspersed with flashes of yellow is a delight. Spring is springing!
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Sometimes the excitement lies in the challenge. My challenge yesterday was get a website, a facebook account, a new email address and a new twitter account up and running. Challenge on. Two down.
I realise that when I am interested, I can be highly productive. I think that is true of most people. So how do you capture that interest, or instil it in somebody without education, hope or self-esteem? A nun I knew at art college, Mary-Lou Winters, once said in one of our tutorials "you become interesting by being interested".
Right now I am interested in the prospect of a developing a new skill, hypnotherapy. My experience of hypnotherapy so far has been mostly limited to Paul McKenna, with a positive NLP approach of NOW... you can... Unfortunately the cats were listening to it too. They have been unbearable ever since...
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It's been a time for making fresh starts. The new year brings with it fresh challenges and excitements. One of my decisions is to be open to new opportunities. So when I saw a friend by chance yesterday afternoon who informed me that he was embarking upon a long walk, I agreed immediately to join him. We went to a part of Guildford I did not know, up onto Pewley Down. It was quite beautiful as the sun was going down, mist and ice stroked the hills and the sky turned that deep blue into mauve that precedes the night. We walked initially in daylight and eventually in darkness until we reached St. Martha's Church, looking down over a streetlit town, with the trees silhouetted against a now purple sky, as the stars began to emerge. It was quite breath-taking. Venus dazzled us with her illumination, and Jupiter rose to join the dance.
We eventually conceded to the need to return, and stumbled back through dark woods and eventually solid roads, as I pointed out the constellations of the Pleiades, Casseopeia, The Plough, Orion and Taurus. Defrosting in front of an open fire at The King's Head saw a pleasant end to the expedition three hours later.
I remembered the words of my friend Jim, "what are you going to do today that you didn't do yesterday?" Well, today I found a new and special place in the area that I live in that I had never visited before. It felt good.
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